


Scientists are Idiots

by PastaBucket



Category: Rick and Morty
Genre: Comedy, Dark Comedy, Gen, Marijuana, Philosophy, Recreational Drug Use, Science, prank calling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-20
Updated: 2018-10-21
Packaged: 2019-08-04 19:07:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 1,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16352465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PastaBucket/pseuds/PastaBucket
Summary: I fucking hate scientists, for good reason, and so here's my hippie-science hate fic, starring Rick Sanchez and his quest for more weed money.It's worth noting that the people I've mentioned so far, range from freelancers with no academic positions, to pseudoscientists with a history of fraud. ...but this doesn't stop them from getting research grants.(Also don't do drugs, kids. Rick Sanchez is not a role model.)





	1. Spacetime Dimensions

**Author's Note:**

  * For [PBS Space Time](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=PBS+Space+Time), [Science](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Science/gifts).



> I retroactively dedicate this fanfic to theoretical physicist Garrett Lisi - a real life Rick, who's apparently already invented the eight dimensional flower theory.  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eRmZ_sNf2mE (at 9:45 and onwards)

"CERN extra-dimensional research, research grants department. How may I help you?"

"Hi there! It's Rick! Rick Sanchez!"

"Oh no, not you..."

"Listen, I can hear you facepalming over there, but hear me out, okay? This is some great stuff. *puff* "

"Just how high are you on a scale from one to ten?"

"Oh, I don't adhere to scales anymore - they're just a measly 1D. I'm way beyond that. *puff* Listen: I think I've found the fifteenth dimension over here! Great news, right?"

"Right."

"...and I was thinking that you could send me some grant money my way, for another five years, and I'll get to the bottom of it."

"Look, you've been pulling this stunt for decades now."

"Yeah, and thanks for the money. This time it won't just go to buying more weed - I promise! It's just that I have all these space-time dimensions in my garage, and I just don't know what to do with them, and like, I figured you'd want some. Is my fax of it coming through alright?"

"It's just a picture of a bunny wearing a tophat."

"*puff* Well, it's obviously kinda hard to draw fifteen dimensions, because our eyes can only technically perceive three, but I think you get the idea."

"But we've already proven that there's only four space-time dimensions, and we did that because of you, and people like you, trying to squander our money on weed."

"Hey, you don't know that! It could be that your calculations are wrong - that you forgot to carry the two! Common mistake! Dark matter screws up everything, and I'm telling you: I'm looking at a fifteenth space-time dimension right now! It'll be the scientific breakthrough of the century! Prizes in dimensional physics raining from the sky! Imaginary numbers finally made real!"

"*sigh* Okay, fine. There's clear rules that I must adhere to, and so it's not like I can stop you."

"Thanks, bitches! You know where to send it. Party on!"


	2. Existential Fabrication

"CERN string theory research, research grants department. How may I help you?"

"Hi there! How's the research going?!"

"This better not be who I think it is..."

"No, listen, before you hang up, I just wanted you to know, that I appreciate all that you've done for me in the past, and that I've given it some thought - for real this time - and that I have this brand new theory of what the universe consists of. Are you ready?"

"Oh god..."

"Flowers! *puff* First we had your little atomic balls flying around, and then when they didn't hold up, we had smaller particles that were too tiny to see, and then strings, and rings, and even fields, and so now I represent the next step in the field of existence shape fashion: Flowers! I trust that the fax is coming through for you alright."

"Why did I take this job...?"

"Now, the research to prove this theory will of course be very expensive, and so that's why I called you guys to help me out. Soon dark matter will be a mystery no more!"

"I heard you called the dimensional department just earlier today."

"Yeah, and they were very helpful toward the cause. You see, I'm going to need all those extra dimensions to build my flower out of."

"Fine. We'll send you the money... *headdesk* "

"Woot woot!"


	3. Splort!

"CERN mathematical department, research grants. How may I help you?"

"Hi, it's Rick Sanchez! Long time no see, huh?"

"Not long enough. What is it this time?"

"I'm glad you asked. You see, I'm not gonna lie: I got pretty high last night, and so as I laid there on the floor of my garage, it just came to me: Splort!"

"Splort?"

"Splort! It's a new type of number that will solve pretty much every equation known to man!"

"Why is our fax printing out a crude image of a stain shape?"

"That's the mathematical sign for splort. I've already called ANSI about it, and it will be included in their next font versions."

"Splort?"

"Look, I can tell that you're skeptical, but you just have to have a creative enough imagination: First we had rational numbers, and then we had irrational numbers, and then we had imaginary numbers, and different types of infinity juggling, and now we have splort."

"So how does splort work?"

"Well, it's the type of number, that when you insert it into an equation, you get a solution out of it. It contains the equation, but in reverse, and so the equation will always end up cancelling itself out! Brilliant, right?!"

"Why do you keep doing this to us?"

"Because I just love helping you science guys out! Together, and with your money, we'll soon be able to solve the ultimate Theory of Everything, starting with my Flower theory! Splort!"

"Splort?"

"Splort!"

 


	4. Ethics

"Uh, I dunno, Rick - these CERN scams don't sound very ethical."

"So what, Morty, you're on the side of science now? What's science ever done for you?"

"Well, refridgerators, computers, the internet..."

"Yeah, it's all fine and dandy until the nukes start dropping, and who gave the politicians nukes? The scientists did. Science is why every planet ultimately has a limited lifespan. ...but at least you've got your internets, so what do you care?"

"That's a pretty biased way of looking at it, Rick."

"Look, all science does is complicate things. See this portal gun? It's a nifty way of getting around, but if I was a scientist, I'd just sell out for cash and hand everyone one of these, and then you'd have dimensional wars and a whole new kind of fresh hell. Back in the medieval times we had magicians who knew to keep their mouths shut. CERN is nothing but a bunch of glorified whores, and the more grant money we drain from them, the longer Earth gets to stay intact. What could be more ethical than that?"


	5. Get Hyped

"Greetings, future Kickstarter and Patreon donors! You've heard of Solar Roadways, and you've heard of The Hyperloop, but it takes a certified genius to put two and two together and bring you the new future in renewable energy: The Solar Hyperloop!

Imagine zooming along at the speed of light, inside a vacuum tunnel, on a track made out of solar freakin' power! Wanna get somewhere fast? Then use the Hyperloop. Wanna get somewhere surfing at the speed of the Future, The Solar Hyperloop is the answer! Whooooooaaaaaah! Just look at these marvelous images! Notice how shiny everything is? Get hyped! The first line will be an express loop around the Moon, and we already got the first couple of billion dollars from NASA! Woot! Party on!"


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I dedicate this chapter to Klee Irwin and his so called "Emergence Theory".

"CERN existence research grants department."

"Hi, hi CERN?"

"I'm hanging up now."

"No-no-no-wait-wait, you gotta help me! See, I'm lost in this place and I don't know where I am! You know how you decided to give me all this money, right? ...and so I did what came naturally: I got high in the name of science, in order to celebrate you guys, and then I started thinking, listen: What... ...is reality?"

"Mhm?"

"I mean is it just made out of energy, and if so... ...what IS energy?"

"Yes, these would be the philosophical questions that would make up basic particle physics research. Come on - I know that you're smarter than this."

"Yeah, but... ...is reality just made out of information, and if so what KIND of information? Is it binary, made of zeroes and ones? Is the universe just a giant binary computer? I mean this LOOKS like my garage, but how can I really be sure? I mean if you look really close at a wall, I think I can see some ones and zeroes floating about in there."

"That would be simulation theory. Look, I don't have time for this. Yes, the universe is made out of energy. We are in the process of mapping out what kinds of 'information' that this energy can take, and no, you are not trapped inside a giant PC."

"Okay, but how about a giant projection then? One of those giant projector thingies, where you can't even SEE all the ones and zeroes?"

"Like a TV screen?"

"Yeah, exactly! Like one of those, where all the colors are ultimately just products of different combinations of ones and zeroes!"

"Look, if I give you money, will you go away?"

"I dunno - I'm pretty lost here. How much are we talking?"


End file.
